Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
