The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
