Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
