Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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