He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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