Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
