sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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