Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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