it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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