How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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