alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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