I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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