My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
