She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
