i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
