Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
