in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
it was like eating out sand paper
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
