Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
