woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
