Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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