how can u be prego again
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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