Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
