you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
