birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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