Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
