i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
