If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
