I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I look better un-naked...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
