I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
