all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
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Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
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Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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