Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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