Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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