I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
