i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
