The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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