my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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