i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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