He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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