I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Your penis caused this!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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