i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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