Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
