So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
