I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
