Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
