Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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