I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
