She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i need some magic done to my vagina
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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