the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
