Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
