I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
