I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
