I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
