I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just gargled with NyQuil
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
